I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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