I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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