Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
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