I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
