someone threw a dead crab at me
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
