This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
In America we eat man semen.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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