on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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