No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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