She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
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