hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
