Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
