Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I need to sanitize my soul.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
