Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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