Whod you bang
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
