Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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