Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
