i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
