Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
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Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just found a bag of teeth...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
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My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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