I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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