Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
