i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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