I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
