This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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