Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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