Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
