called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
