I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
