im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
