The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
