I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
