All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
