I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Sorry my hands just texted you
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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