I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Guys Hate When Girls Do These 29 Cringeworthy Things
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.