Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
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Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
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He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?