i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.