I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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