Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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