You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
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i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
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I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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