you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
