when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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