my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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