I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash