where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?