as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
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In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
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I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".