that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
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I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
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Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.