Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
he told me I talked like a deaf person
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.