something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
