I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
When did angry sex become our thing?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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