If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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