Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Randomize
