I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.