It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
