i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
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