There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
did you just send me my own nude
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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