two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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