Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
