I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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