I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
