It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
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She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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