Apparently you make a good broom.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
