I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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