i already hear my dad disowning me
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
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Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
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Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder