a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
